Parenting does not come with an instruction manual. (Would everybody read it even if it did?) If it did, there would be nothing left to learn about ourselves when we are older. We would learn how to love ourselves before we learn to love another, and why it is so important to do so. We would learn boundaries and why it is crucial to uphold our own and respect the boundaries of others. The manual would teach us that our productivity does not determine our worth, as we often assume.
Unfortunately, there are no parenting manuals bestowed upon us at the birth of our children. As a result, many of us have to learn lessons the hard way. I have found myself stuck with the consequences of the same repeated mistake, and I decided that I don’t want that for myself or for my children any longer. Regret can weigh heavy, too, when you realize you’re learning life lessons in your thirties that you should have known as a child. I would have been a much more patient, effective parent at the beginning if I had known all of the things I know now, and have yet to learn. Why didn’t I learn this sooner?
The answer is simple. No generation before us had any answers, either. In fact, if a parenting manual had ever been written, we would be revising the copies currently, because many of us are changing how we parent. An entire generation of parents is breaking the chains of generational trauma. You can rewrite your family’s story for the sake of your kids and their kids.
Here are four imperative lessons to teach our children and to remind ourselves, as well, to help break generational traumas and live happier, healthier lives.
“It ran in my family until it ran into me.”
-Unknown
Only apologize when you mean it.
Most children are taught to apologize at a young age. From the very first glass of milk we have ever spilled, apologizing has been a part of our lives. It became such a subconscious habit that I found myself saying it almost robotically after everything I did, even if it wasn’t my fault. Have the same words in your mouth for long enough and they start to lose flavor, and the words were said simply to move past the mistake. My oldest daughter also has the habit of apologizing when she shouldn’t, which is why this lesson is so important to me.
I had a reactive parent, and I became a reactive parent. My dad was a yeller, and I became a yeller up until I wasn’t anymore. I felt the need to apologize for everything I did, and my daughter has the same burden bearing down on her. Once I realized it, I began working to change it, and I am proud to say I have flipped the script, but not without a lot of reminding and hard work. It went from Lilly saying, “I’m sorry,” to a lot of things to, “I’m sor–actually, you know what? I have nothing to apologize for. Nothing about this was my fault.”
Watching a child take that knowledge and use it to absolutely bloom is something spectacular to see. To be able to stand back and admire that, knowing that she wouldn’t be in her thirties learning this lesson made me a proud parent. I am not only proud of her, but also of myself to be so self-aware to make changes like these.
When do you mean it? Well, if you hurt someone’s feelings who you love, that would be a good time to apologize. If you break something, apologize. Anything that makes you feel regretful for how you treated someone or for something you did would warrant an apology. “Sorry” won’t cut it, because that is not genuine. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is a gross way to apologize. You’re not taking any responsibility for your actions and are simply deflecting from the situation by placing the blame on the other person. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings,” is a bare minimum, genuine apology. It shows you are taking accountability for your actions and how you made the other person feel, and that you are sorry.
If you don’t think it requires an apology, then it doesn’t. That is how this works. You cannot be forced into being sorry for something. The same is said vice-versa. No one is entitled to receiving an apology. You don’t owe anybody shit, and they don’t owe you shit, either. Not even to be sorry for upsetting you.
Your apology does not extend.
Saying “I’m sorry I broke your mug” is one thing. The person being in a mood about it for the next week and you feeling like you have to repeat your apology, however, is another thing entirely.
Everyone has the right to their emotions, regardless of what that emotion may be. Someone can be pissed off at you, and you can apologize. What is not your responsibility is what they do after that apology. If they insist on holding onto it for the next several days and being angry even after you apologized, that is their own fault. You did your part–you took accountability for your actions. That “I’m sorry” does not extend for the period of time they decide to be angry. It is a one time use. They do not get to hold that situation over your head thereafter unless you allow them to.
Your responsibility isn’t to chase them around and make them happy again. They are CHOOSING to be upset.
The situation works both ways, of course. If someone says they’re sorry to you, you can choose to forgive them or to be salty for however long you feel it necessary. That doesn’t mean everybody deserves your forgiveness, and you aren’t going to catch me being the type of person to say, forgive them for yourself. It’s so you can find peace. Ew, no. You can find peace without forgiving anybody. If they have done something so bad that you deem them unforgivable, that is your right to do so. You don’t have to let it live in your head, but you don’t have to forgive them in order to let it go. Forgiveness and letting go is not the same thing. You don’t linger on it simply for your own peace because thinking about that broken mug and putting yourself in those same negative feelings only robs you of your happiness; it robs you of your present moment, which just isn’t fair to you.
You’re not broken, so there is nothing to fix.
There is nothing wrong with constructive criticism. We criticize ourselves, and we criticize each other. If done by someone who cares about you, who loves you and wants you to succeed, constructive criticism is an act of love. They want you to be the best version of yourself possible, so they will hold you accountable for your actions. We need people like that in our lives.
Criticizing yourself can be out of love, as well. If you want to be the best version you see of yourself, there is nothing wrong with reaching goals and maintaining standards. Be aware, though, that too much criticism can get stuck as the default narrative in your head. I point out too many flaws about myself. It’s the loop constantly going through my head. No one held me accountable for a long time, so now I feel like I have to hold myself to the most rigid guidelines all of the time.
You need to stop eating sugar. Laundry is behind–you need to get better at it. Exercise more and you’ll feel better. Make time to go outside. Wake up earlier and you’ll be able to get more things done. Don’t eat so much takeout. You really need to work on your time management. You shouldn’t spend so much money when you’re shopping. That is just a piece of my default narrative.
It transforms into me saying I need to fix everything. I need to fix my time. I need to fix my diet. I need to fix my coffee intake. The list goes on and on. Fix, fix, fix. The thought hit me yesterday when I was talking to Lilly. She was saying she has a bad habit to fix, when it wasn’t really a bad habit at all. I’m going to follow the same advice that I gave her, and hopefully you can use it too. You are not broken so stop telling yourself have to fix everything about you. There’s nothing wrong with you! You are just learning, and we are all learning every day.
Productivity does not determine your worth.
We live in a time where so much is based on what we do for a living, or how much we get accomplished in our lifetime. Upon first meeting someone, they almost always ask you what you do for work. It’s usually followed up by if you have a spouse and/or kids. Seldomly have I been asked what I do for my hobbies. And I have yet to be asked upon meeting someone if I am happy.
We need money for bills, groceries, and to make our lives overall easier, and that’s why work is so important. But we don’t have to be productive every moment of our lives. Having a day off where you put your feet up and watch movies all day is just fine.
I fall into this habit more than I would like to admit. If I’m enjoying myself, I feel the guilt of all the tasks weighing on me that I should accomplish and suddenly, I’m not enjoying myself anymore.
My kids do chores every day. There are days where they haven’t gotten everything done that they wanted to do that day. Do I yell at them and tell them they should have tried harder? No. I smile and tell them that, as long as they did their best, they can feel satisfied and to try again next time. Why am I going to hold my kid at a standard I hold myself to? I’m in my thirties, and they are still learning.
The pressure to feel accomplished and to have everyone see those accomplishments can be a lot to handle. It can become so much that we consider our value to be determined by the tasks we complete. Social media makes it more difficult, as well, because I find myself scrolling through and seeing other people achieve their goals through selling their art, their baked goods, etc while I lay in my jammies at 8am scrolling social media. This realization, that I’m watching people enjoy their lives rather than enjoying mine, is depressing, especially when they’re being productive.
Your productivity does not determine your worth. If you don’t get all of your housework finished in a day like you planned, it doesn’t mean you’re any less worthy than you were yesterday when you went to work. This idea that we are what we do does more harm than good. We find ourselves comparing our lives to those around us based upon accomplishments.
Having goals and working to reach those goals is magnificent. Having a job and earning income is necessary. Being productive every moment of the day, or even every day, is great, but it doesn’t affect your worth one way or the other. You are marvelous in your best clothes, achieving all of your goals. You are just as marvelous when you are in your jammies on your day off, watching hours of Netflix.
Invoke the wonder, command the power.
Photo by Ricardo Moura on Unsplash