I will go ahead and give ya’ll a warning: this post may be triggering to some people, and not just people with Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have any mental illness or disorder, it could be triggering. I’ve wanted to do a post on being Borderline for a while now, but I never really knew the best time to do it. Now is as good of a time as any, and I already let ya’ll know that I would be writing about all topics of my life, so here we go. Hopefully this reaches other people out there like me, and maybe it can help someone.
Having Borderline Personality Disorder comes with several different symptoms. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the symptoms of BPD could include:
- intense mood swings
- uncertainty about how they see themselves
- feelings for others can change abruptly
- intense and unstable relationships with people, including family
- impulsive behaviors
- self-harming behavior
- intense feelings of emptiness
- inappropriate anger or problems dealing with anger
- feelings of dissociation
But that’s not all we deal with. Not all people with BPD will have every symptom that is listed here, and the patterns vary from person to person, but the general symptoms are the same. We have a great difficulty controlling our emotions. We have difficulty being able to relate to the people around us, whether they are friends, family, or someone we just met. A lot of us have anger problems, and many of us have a fear of abandonment. The “between the lines” are the symptoms we deal with that aren’t even listed. Plus all of the ways the symptoms branch off and cause catastrophe in our lives. Well, let me rephrase. The symptoms I deal with, because I can’t speak for every Borderline out there. We all deal with different things, and we handle them differently. So here is a little of what I deal with.
I hate change. I can’t stand it, even if it’s a good change. It makes me feel vulnerable, and that’s a feeling that I can’t tolerate. But, let me be clear, just because I hate change doesn’t mean that I do not see the necessity of it. I just have to take steps to be able to make the transition easier, and part of that is reminding myself that it’s going to happen. Being vulnerable is also a reason why I have trouble taking constructive criticism.
I tend to take everything to heart, and as a person who holds myself to a very high standard, I can assure you that there is nothing you can’t say to me that I haven’t already told myself a time or two. Which is why I constantly preach self-kindness. It took me a very long time to learn. If you choose to be kind to anyone at any given time, make sure it’s yourself. I’ve learn to flip the script when I have that mental conversation with myself. Instead of that condescending, judgmental tone, I’ve learned to talk to myself with kindness and patience. I can’t beat myself up over everything. People tend to be their own worst critics. Don’t be a doormat to anyone, even yourself.
Making friends. Ah, that’s a common one even for people who don’t have BPD. People tend to get under my skin with polite conversation. You can tell me how your day was, sure. But what I really want to know is your favorite song, what made you laugh today, and your favorite books to read. What’s your life story? What makes you tick? People tend to get freaked out when you want to get to know everything about them. I can understand that. I mean, I can’t view myself objectively, but I have been told many, many times that I’m “intense.” I spent way too long cramming myself in a box to please other people, so someone telling me I’m intense glides right off my back; I’ve heard it my whole life. I feel intensely, so wouldn’t it be fitting to be intense? I just need an equally intense friend, is all. And that’s probably what you need, too, if you’re a Borderline reading this and you have trouble making friends. Find someone who can match your energy, but in the best way. You don’t wanna surround yourself with people who mirror your bad habits. Take it from me. You can’t shed bad behaviors if everyone around you does the same type of shit.
Another more complicated problem: the people that I become friends with tend to A) be not good people in the first place or, B) piss me off with something and I drop them like a hot potato. The people who aren’t good people in the first place tend to be manipulative. I’m pretty easy to get along with, and people with ill intent can take advantage of that quickly. Or it could be someone who is on a path of self-destruction.
Needless to say, it’s not my responsibility to change anyone or to save anybody from their choices. It’s something I have to constantly remind myself, though. I have to draw that boundary for myself, and you have to draw that boundary for yourself, too, or people will drain your energy dry.
Addiction can also be a struggle for many of us. I am thankful I’ve never gone down a path of drug or alcohol abuse, but I still have addictive behaviors I have to keep a close eye on. I have to be careful about playing the lottery, trying an energy drink, or drinking alcohol. If I drink alcohol, it is very, very occasionally, and I do not get drunk. I used to be really bad on energy drinks (a few a day), and smoking/vaping, but I was able to quit both of those, thankfully. My biggest problem areas right now are sugar (yea, I know. I’m still struggling with it), and social media. Social media is something that really messes with my head. I go back and forth between wanting to connect with people, and wanting to be alone and never log into another account again. I choose to limit myself. I fuss about the sugar thing, sure, but compared to addictions with harsher outcomes, I consider myself pretty damn lucky.
The biggest thing is, when trying to find information, all I was cornered with is negativity. It makes you not even want to look for tips or resources, honestly. When you get online and type in “BPD” and you are faced with a bunch of crap about how we’re all manipulative and we’re all addicts and we are toxic people…uh, no. That isn’t true. There are bad people in the world, sure. Toxic people. But not all toxic, awful people are Borderline. And not all Borderlines are toxic and awful. So don’t let anybody make you feel like you are. And that goes with any of you who are struggling with anything at all. Don’t let someone try to gaslight you into thinking you’re the problem just because you have a diagnosis. You are NOT just a diagnosis.
With that being said if you or someone you know is struggling or having thoughts of suicide, call or text the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. If you’re facing a medical emergency, call 911.
I hope the info helped. Remember, while we may feel alone, we are not alone. Repeat it to yourself if you have to. There are many of us, and we are important.
Invoke the wonder, command the power.
-L