There is one time that stands out vividly to me when I completely lost my shit. I was in the kitchen on a typical Saturday morning, making pancakes. My girls were at the kitchen table, playing while they waited for breakfast. I was on the phone at the same time as the girls were trying to talk to me, so I was max distracted.
I went to flip the pancake, and the entire thing folded into itself. I’m talking: one side was done, and the other side was a gooey mess. This launched me into a meltdown. My blood felt like it was boiling. On impulse, I grabbed the spatula and began smacking the stovetop. I was so furious; a tantrum was the only way I felt like I could get out what I was feeling.
It was not an impressive moment for me—not as a person, and definitely not a good look as a parent. My girls didn’t even bat an eye, which makes it even worse, because that’s the behavior they were used to.
I used to look back on that moment and many others similar, and I would feel shame and disgust with myself. How could I act like that? How could I throw a tantrum in front of my kids, especially with me being in my 20s?
Now I look back at those moments, and I want to walk into those memories and hug that woman because I now know why she was the way she was. She was sad, lonely, and emotionally reactive because she was taught to smother her feelings. She was taught that crying is bad, and anger is a much better outlet to express yourself.
I know this scene will be relatable for many people. This is an example of emotional reactivity. Unfortunately, the outbursts are what most borderlines are known for. The good news is we can reduce it by discovering our triggers and practicing emotional resilience, and I’m going to tell you how to do just that. But first—
What is it?
Emotional reactivity is acting on impulse in response to an emotion we are going through. This can be verbal explosions such as cussing and yelling. Reactivity can be giving someone the cold shoulder, starting drama, or it can even manifest as violence. For example, you’re arguing with your spouse, and they say something that pisses you off. Instead of giving yourself time to cool down and think things through, you might immediately begin to yell. This reaction escalates things, and they may begin to yell, too. Instead of an argument, you now have a toxic, emotionally charged situation. (I’ve been in plenty of those, too.)
Often, the impulse action is an overreaction. Speaking for myself, my emotional explosions were caused by bottling up much of what I was feeling until the straw that broke the camel’s back sent me over the top. Rather than ruining that pancake, the emotional outburst was from all I had dealt with that week. The pancake was simply the final straw.
Identifying your triggers and finding ways to overcome this creativity will give you the power back. Instead of your emotions controlling you, you will be in control of your emotional reactions. You will experience more meaningful connections with people, less emotional disturbances, and understand people around you better.
Identify Your Triggers
The first step in reducing emotional reactivity is to find out what your triggers are. In case you don’t know what triggers are, they are something that initiates an emotion in you, often negative. They trigger you to feel something. People who suffer from mental disorders, personality disorders, and trauma have triggers.
One way we can identify our triggers is to pay attention to our physical bodies. If someone does or says something to you, and you feel a strong emotion blooming, listen to what your body is telling you. Has your pulse quickened? Has your breathing become faster and shallower? Are your muscles tense? If so, you are in the middle of what’s called fight or flight, which I’m sure you’ve heard of. Your body is dumping adrenaline, and you feel as if you’re in danger. The tricky part is finding out why you feel this way.
The process of pinpointing your triggers requires asking questions, sometimes many. It also requires you to hold yourself accountable. You must be honest with yourself, not only about how you feel but why you feel that way.
A good example of a trigger I have is someone raising their voice, especially a man. Given the things I dealt with in childhood, it makes perfect sense to me. At the same time, though, the person doesn’t have to be yelling loudly for me to feel my heart start to race and my fists clench tight. They don’t even have to be directing it at me.
When I became aware that yelling is a trigger for me, it completely changed my anxiety in social situations. I wasn’t anxious about the people around me. Rather, I was anxious about the possibility of someone becoming aggressive.
Gauge Your Reaction
A good habit to employ is to ask yourself if your emotion is appropriate. I word it this way because all emotions are valid. Even if you’re having an overreactive moment, that came from somewhere. That reaction is the way your mind is trying to protect you, so don’t shame yourself for it. Not only is shaming yourself unhelpful but it can make things much worse in the long run.
The most intense emotion I frequently dealt with in the past is anger. Because of that, I’ve grown accustomed to tracing my emotions back to their origin. Questions I ask myself when I get upset might be:
- What emotion am I feeling?
It seems like a very simple question, but sometimes the most difficult thing we can do is label our emotions. Since there are so many emotions you can feel, it can be helpful to make a list. Keep in mind that you can feel more than one feeling at a time.
- Is my emotion misplaced?
What feels like anger could be sorrow. Until you have the skill of naming what you are feeling, just sit with it and take your time identifying it. Emotions are more complicated than we realize. For example, when dealing with grief, there are five stages, and each stage is a different emotion.
- If it is misplaced, what am I reacting to?
If your emotion is misplaced, meaning that you aren’t reacting to what just happened, then what are they a response to? Retrace your actions or the conversation—whatever brought this emotional response out of you.
Once you can answer these questions honestly, you can begin to dig deeper and find out why you feel that way. Why is that such a trigger for you? Often, I find that the triggers stem from a time in my childhood. You may find that to be true for you, as well.
Time to Reduce it
When someone yelled near me, I used to become visibly upset. My muscles would tense, my jaw would clench, and my hands would even begin to shake. That’s how strong of a hold triggers can have on us. Now, though, I calm myself by identifying where the yelling originated. Deep breaths help me loosen the knot that once felt like lead in my stomach, and I can go on about my day.
Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can help you on your journey of living a life less emotionally chaotic. The word mindfulness may bring an image to mind of someone sitting cross-legged in their bedroom, meditating the time away. Meditation is another great tool, but that’s not what I’m talking about when I bring up mindfulness.
Being mindful is maintaining awareness of thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. The first step is to become aware of your breathing. Focus on your inhale and then on your exhale. Count each breath for as long as you can. Awareness of other things will follow. For example, you will feel your feet on the ground, feel the temperature in the room, and become aware of your heartbeat.
The ability to get out of your head and into the present moment is something worth practicing daily, even without the strong emotions being motivation to do so. The more you practice it, the easier it will be to slip into that mindset when you need it.
Another awesome way to reduce emotional reactivity is to practice your communication skills. Actively listening, asking questions, and not interrupting other people are healthy communication skills. Part of those communication skills is being able to articulate what emotion you are feeling. Expanding your vocabulary to include some other feelings would be a great choice, and practice talking about how you feel if that’s something you aren’t used to.
If you read my blog, you know that I love journaling, and that’s another effective way to reduce emotional reactivity. Writing about it allows you to take a moment to reframe the situation by getting it down on paper, and it allows you to reflect on the circumstances.
Recap
Remember that you are not going through this alone, although it may feel like it at times. There are many of us out there working on the same skills that you are currently, and emotional reactivity is a great place to start with healing. When we feel like our emotions are controlling us, holding ourselves accountable for emotional reactivity is a good step toward gaining control. Identifying triggers is the beginning, and while it is challenging at first, it can be rewarding in the future. Knowing about yourself is power. Practice mindfulness and communication skills and learn as much as possible about yourself. You deserve to feel peace.
I hope this blog post helped. Let me know in the comments below what techniques you used and if they were helpful.
Invoke the wonder, command the power.