My 12 year old’s favorite advice I’ve ever given her is “no one is worth ruining your peace.” It resonated so deeply with her that I’ve heard her relay the same information to several of her friends over the last few months. The best part is that it can be applied to any situation, no matter how small it may seem to you. In fact, the most common time she gives out this piece of passed-down advice is when she’s playing video games with her buddies and they’re getting frustrated. The advice is always tailored to the situation. “Don’t let it ruin your peace.”
The idea is to not let someone have an impact on your emotions. It could be your child, your friend, or your spouse, and the same rule would apply. If they are moody, let them have their moods. If a stranger in the store is being an ass, let them be an ass. Don’t let their actions and behaviors screw up your mood. That is giving someone else far too much power over you, and that is a dangerous game to play.
Try as I might, though, I can’t seem to take my own advice. I recently turned 32 and realized I still spend too much energy on people who contribute nothing to my life. To clarify, any energy you spend on someone who adds no value to your life is too much energy. But I allowed it to affect me on my birthday, of all days, and in such a deep way.
This thought came to me in the middle of my birthday when I was sad, but I couldn’t figure out why. I moped all day, from noon until almost dinner time. Suddenly, it hit me hard: a handful of people I consider close to me never reached out to wish me a happy birthday.
While it may not seem like a big deal, birthdays were never paramount in my childhood, so I made the vow to make it a big deal whenever possible when I became an adult. Anyone close to me knows this, and I treat everybody’s birthday of equal importance to my own.
The realization that these few people never reached out led me to a handful of different emotions, including feeling as if I wasn’t important. I also began to question the relationships I had with these people and whether my idea of our relationship was much different than theirs. I waded through self-doubt and threw a little pity party before I decided to get down to business. Gotta love healing.
Why did the lack of their attention in my day cause me to have such a strong emotional reaction?
When my husband checked on me for the second time, I began to feel ashamed. Here I was, funneling my energy into people who have proven with their actions time and time again that I don’t matter to them, when I was surrounded with people I actually matter to. A great deal, in fact. In the middle of this moment of reflection, the words of wisdom came to me. No one is worth ruining your peace. I sat there, stunned for a moment. There is so much truth in that statement. It dawned on me that, while I’m moping around with the absence of these few people in my life, they are not. They are perfectly content in their own world and I was the only person suffering in the situation. Why? Because I allowed myself to suffer. I was surrounded by my kids and my husband, who were all helping me celebrate and trying to make up for me being so down. I can’t even describe in words what an absolute jackass I felt like.
My birthday still ended up not being the best, but at the end of the day, it was much less about the people and more concerning a lot of minor inconveniences all intertwined. The day turned into a valuable learning experience. I made a vow to myself to be less present in those people’s life, and to no longer allow someone to have such control over my moods and my own feelings of importance. I decided to revisit the original question I had asked myself: why did it matter so much to me?
I was beginning to understand that I had been placing a piece of my self-worth in the validation from these people. The same individuals who have shown me through actions that they do not value the relationship they have with me. For whatever reason, though, I felt that if they acknowledged me on my birthday, I would feel important. Ick. That is not the type of person I want to be. I want to know that my worth and value does not depend on any outside influence. How somebody feels about me does not change who I am. Whether their opinion could be considered as positive or negative–it doesn’t change the foundation of who I am as a person. That being said, no one can affect you unless you let them.
Peace and contentment are difficult to come by in this world; no one is worth sacrificing them. Be more conservative with your energy. Be less available, or not at all, to people who aren’t available to you.
After my birthday, I took some time to myself so that I could reflect. I could not stand the idea of being so available to everyone. I logged out of all of my social media accounts on my phone, allowing the accounts on my computer only for work. I’ve designated times in which I’ll have my phone notifications on. I haven’t talked to anybody outside of my very small tribe. All of the other time that used to be taken up by mindless scrolling and careless people is now dedicated to creativity, exercise, and mindfulness and I plan to keep it that way for a bit. It has truly improved my productivity and my mental health.
Cheers to healing and becoming more self-aware!
Do you find yourself giving away too much energy to those who don’t deserve it? Do you allow anyone to ruin your peace? Share your story in the comments below!
Invoke the wonder, command the power.
Photo by Nathan Fertig on Unsplash