I am sitting at a red light a few weeks ago, on my way back from Walmart. My kids are in the backseat playing. The sun is shining, and I’m calm, which is a feeling that I don’t get to experience often.
The second the light turns green, the guy behind me lays down on the horn. I hit the gas at the same time my body hits the “oh shit” button. My face and ears get hot, my heart starts to speed up, and I feel the tension in the car elevate. It was so thick, you could have cut through it.
The tension had built because my kids were waiting with bated breath for their mommy to lose her temper. Six months ago, that would have meant a stream of curse words, me honking back, and maybe a few less-than-graceful gestures at the guy. But now, it means getting inside my head. I begin this process the same way I have the last six months or so: by asking myself a series of questions. Why did I get so angry so fast? What made me have that reaction? Yea, the guy was impatient and that honk was uncalled for, but so was that level of anger. So–why did it happen?
The tension leaves the car, because my kids see that I’m not going to freak out. The time has passed, and the risk of Mommy having an outburst is gone.
After several minutes of picking the interaction apart, I realized why I reached such an extreme amount of anger in such a short time. My time doesn’t feel like it belongs to me. I am on the go from the minute my feet hit the floor, and usually poorly. Time management is a work-in-progress in the Johnston household.
I get ready for the day, usually rushed because I wake up late. My schedule just tumbles after, me moving from one thing to another in a rush until bedtime. The same complaints every day: not having time to meditate or exercise or keep the house spotless. To put it simply, I have no control over my time, and the guy behind me is a personification of that very thing. That’s why his honking at me made me so furious.
I learned how to ask all of these questions to get down to the root of my problem by using shadow work, and I’m going to tell you what it is and how to implement it into your life, too so that you will learn to accept and love your shadow and break free of being controlled by it.
What is Shadow Work?
To get an idea of the shadow work, you must first understand what a shadow is. The shadow, or the shadow self, is a part of us that lives in our subconscious mind. To understand this better, you have to first think about the typical classifications of good and evil. You have good personality qualities such as generosity, making people laugh, and maintaining a positive attitude. Then you have “evil” personality qualities, the type of qualities villains usually possess like greed, anger, and malevolence.
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.”
Carl Jung
Since these traits are considered evil, or at the very least socially unacceptable, we become ashamed of them and try to push them down, thus, our shadow is born. Our shadow is comprised of everything we don’t want anyone else to see. We consciously hide this shadow self, burying it down deep, but sometimes it is hidden from us, as well.
This is where shadow work comes in. When certain behaviors come up, you begin to ask yourself questions, and you can start to untangle the giant web that is your shadow. You begin to recognize your triggers, and you have a better understanding of why you are the way that you are. Sometimes, traits from your shadow can be traced back as far as childhood.
Is Shadow Work Right for You?
I remember a life coaching session I had a few years ago when I first realized that I had no idea who I was. It was our third meeting, and she sat down with me and asked me who I am. What kind of question is that? I’m Lanita. I’m a wife. I’m a mommy with two kids. “No,” she said with a smile. “Who are you? What are your values? What do you love? What makes you tick?” I was speechless. Beyond being a wife and a mother, a daughter and a friend, I had no idea who I was. That’s when I began to find out.
So, shadow work is for you if that scenario is relatable. Do you feel like something is holding you back from being that ideal version of yourself that you want to be? Also, if you feel like you aren’t a whole person, then yes. Your shadow self is believed to be another part of you that is repressed, and the whole idea of shadow work is to combine the two selves to make you whole again.
It is important to note that shadow work may require a professional, like a therapist. I do my shadow work myself because I have already seen many therapists in my lifetime and I do not wish to add another to my list. However, I am not advising you to do the same. Shadow work can get messy, so don’t go at it alone if it doesn’t feel doable. It is a bumpy ride, but it is well worth it if you can hold on for the long haul. It is kind of weird getting to know yourself, but to me, it’s the most important person you should know. Once you have some quiet time with yourself, everything starts to make sense.
Do you want to know who you are? What makes you tick? Do you want to welcome your shadow self with open arms so you can be free of all the stress and anxiety of it? Okay, follow me.
How Do I Start?
I am the journaling type. I love to write, so of course I journal. If that seems too much for you, and you can’t be bothered to write things down, that’s fine. Don’t let the journaling part scare you away from the practice. You can easily sit somewhere secluded and ask yourself the questions. You can choose to answer them aloud or in your mind, but remember doing it this way is going to take the utmost concentration. It’ll be sort of like meditating, but while talking to yourself.
“Shadow work is the way to illumination. When we become aware of all that is buried within us, that which is lurking beneath the surface no longer has power over us.”
Aletheia Luna,
Mindful Shadow Work: Exercises for Befriending Your Dark Side, Healing Trauma, and Finding Joy
One of the biggest things that helped me was realizing my triggers. When something flares up inside you, whether it be rage, annoyance, or an overwhelming feeling of sadness, figure out what caused it. This will be difficult to do for the unpracticed, but once you get the hang of it, it’ll be so breezy that you’ll see the emotion coming. This will put the power back in your hands rather than feeling helpless to whoever triggered you.
Things to Keep in Mind
There is a such thing as a small victory. Honor all of them, no matter how small they seem. This is tough work, and you’re getting through it. That’s something worthy of being celebrated.
Be honest with yourself, regardless of how difficult it is. This work isn’t going to do anything for you if you get into the habit of lying to yourself. You must be honest with yourself, even when it’s difficult.
Be observant, not judgmental. You are naturally your own worst critic, whether you realize it or not (shadow work may make you realize it if you are). Observe and learn, don’t judge yourself. Your shadow is your shadow because of the fear of everyone else’s judgment, maybe even your own. Being judgmental of yourself will just revert the whole process.
Healing isn’t getting rid of your shadow. Shadow work isn’t about healing your shadow away. It is about learning to accept it. You learn to live with it and be free from the anxiety and stress that repressing it causes. Both sides of you, the good and the bad, deserve grace, and you’re the only person who can give it.
Invoke the wonder, command the power.
Featured Image Photo by Cerys Lowe on Unsplash